Humorous Quotes that will make you smile

We all know how great it is when we are really happy.  Sometimes you only have to see a smiling face to make you feel happy or better in yourself.  So below we have some humorous quotes we hope you will find amusing and put a smile on your face instantly.

It is said that it takes more muscles to smile than frown.  That might be true, but the effect of a smile is usually positive and some of the best humorous quotes can make you see the best even in bad situations.

Many people underestimate the power of a smile.  Of course there are times when we feel sad or down.  But do you smile when you are happy or is it possible that smiling can make you feel happy?  The answer is both!
great humorous quotes to make you smileYes we smile when we are happy.  However research carried out shows that people who smile – even if they were not initially happy, do in fact become happier.

Yes it’s easy to smile and laugh when things are going well, but it is just as important to smile when things are wrong or not going so well.  Sometimes all we need are a few words to bring about a genuine smile.

Humorous Quotes

Add our humorous quotes page to your favourites bar.  If you want to put a smile on your face, read one of the funny quotes and you won’t have to force yourself to smile.

Just consider this: Smiling makes you happy, which in turn makes you feel more confident.  Projecting confidence makes others more confident about or in YOU and before you know it you behave in a confident manner to match your beliefs and mood.

Humorous Quotes by Woody Allen

humorous quotes by woody allen at the personal development cafe

“I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.”

“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”

“And my parents finally realize I’m kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.”

“His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.”

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work … I want to achieve immortality through not dying.”

“I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”

“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”

 “The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.”

 “Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.”

“Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.”

“I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.”

“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.”

“I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.”

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”

“I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.”

“Those who can’t do teach. Those who can’t teach, teach gym.”

“InCalifornia, they don’t throw their garbage away – they make it into TV shows.”

“The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.”

“The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.”

Humorous Quotes by Oscar Wilde

 “Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about.”

“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.”

 “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.”

 “I don’t want to go to heaven. None of my friends are there.”

“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they’ll kill you.”

“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

“Men marry because they are tired; women because they are curious. Both are disappointed.”

“I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.”

“It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But … it is better to be good than to be ugly. ”

“To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.”

“Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.”

“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.”

“All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does, and that is his.”

“The suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.”

“Everything in moderation, including moderation.”

 

Humorous Quotes by Dorothy Parker

 “The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue.”

“The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.”

“I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.”

“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.”

“I don’t know much about being a millionaire, but I’ll bet I’d be darling at it.”

“Money cannot buy health, but I’d settle for a diamond-studded
wheelchair.”

“The two most beautiful words in the English language are ‘cheque enclosed.”

“Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.”

“I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid.”

“Women and elephants never forget.”

“That woman speaks eighteen languages, and she can’t say ‘No’ in any of them.”

“This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.”

“You can lead a whore to culture, but you can’t make her think.”

“Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.”

“Ducking for apples — change one letter and it’s the story of my life.”

“If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you.”

“If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.”

“That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment.”

“It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard.”

“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”

Humorous Quotes by Groucho Marx

humorous quotes by grouch marx at the personal development cafe

 “Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.”

“Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.”

“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.”

“Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.”

“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”

“From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.”

“I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.”

“I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.”

“Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.”

“I intend to live forever, or die trying.”

“A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.”

“In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.”

“Money will not make you happy and happy will not make you money.”

 

General humorous quotes, funny quotes, sayings and one liners

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, “Who Should we notify in case of an accident?” He mulls it over and then writes, “Anybody in sight!”
Milton Berle

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
Stephen Wright

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
Jack Handey

When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter.
Stephen Wright

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby

For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.
Douglas Adams

Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
Dave Barry

If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment.
Dave Allen

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
Fred Allen

And on the eighth day God said, “Okay, Murphy, you’re in charge!”
Author Unknown

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Author Unknown

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
Author Unknown

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Author Unknown

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Author Unknown

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Author Unknown

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Author Unknown

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Author Unknown

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Author Unknown

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
Author Unknown

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Author Unknown

 If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
Author Unknown

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Author Unknown

 

We hope that you find these humorous quotes, funny and informative.  Visit our inspirational quotes page for more quotes to help inspire you to success.

If you have a favourite quote, know any personal development quotes or self improvement quotes that you think we should add, please tell us on the comment form below and we will be happy to include them.