Humorous Quotes that will make you smile
We all know how great it is when we are really happy. Sometimes you only have to see a smiling face to make you feel happy or better in yourself. So below we have some humorous quotes we hope you will find amusing and put a smile on your face instantly.
It is said that it takes more muscles to smile than frown. That might be true, but the effect of a smile is usually positive and some of the best humorous quotes can make you see the best even in bad situations.
Many people underestimate the power of a smile. Of course there are times when we feel sad or down. But do you smile when you are happy or is it possible that smiling can make you feel happy? The answer is both!
Of course we smile when we are happy. However research carried out shows that people who smile – even if they were not initially happy, do in fact become happier.
Yes it’s easy to smile and laugh when things are going well, but it is just as important to smile when things are wrong or not going so well. Sometimes all we need are a few words to bring about a genuine smile.
Add our humorous quotes page to your favourites bar. If you want to put a smile on your face, read one of the funny quotes and you won’t have to force yourself to smile.
Just consider this: Smiling makes you happy, which in turn makes you feel more confident. Projecting confidence makes others more confident about or in YOU and before you know it you behave in a confident manner to match your beliefs and mood. So have a laugh on us.
Humorous Quotes about Success
Formula for success: rise early, work hard, strike oil.
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.
In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.
Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Humorous Quotes about Failure
A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
Trying is the first step toward failure.
I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Humorous Quotes about Attitude
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.
We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.
W. H. Auden
I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.
Michael Scott, The Office
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
You cannot soar with the eagles as long as you hang out with the turkeys.
When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you’re rich. If your name is on your desk, you’re middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you’re poor.
When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’
Sydney J. Harris
It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
“Be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give some people.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
Humorous Quotes about the Future
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
Charles M Schulz
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact.
Humorous Quotes about Ageing
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.
You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Humorous Quotes about Children / Growing up
Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Humorous Quotes about Drinking
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth.
An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman… or a bad woman.
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Humorous Quotes about Education / Learning
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
Don’t let schooling interfere with your education.
Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.
Daniel J. Boorstin
I think everyone should go to college and get a degree and then spend six months as a bartender and six months as a cabdriver. Then they would really be educated.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Humorous Quotes about Marriage / Relationships
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else. Mae West
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife)… but still my own.
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
Humorous Quotes about Religion
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
General humorous quotes, funny quotes, sayings and one liners
And on the eighth day God said, “Okay, Murphy, you’re in charge!”
A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, “Who Should we notify in case of an accident?” He mulls it over and then writes, “Anybody in sight!”
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born?
For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment.
Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A. A. Milne
Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee.
Sir Alec Issigonis
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.
If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.
It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
Life’s not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
We hope that you find these humorous quotes amusing, funny and informative. One of the hardest things to do is to confirm who some quotes should be credited to.
If you can confirm the origin of any quotes, have a favourite quote, know any funny quotes, personal development quotes or self improvement quotes that you think we should add, please tell us on the comment form below and we will be happy to include them.