Humorous Quotes that will make you smile
We all know how great it is when we are really happy. Sometimes you only have to see a smiling face to make you feel happy or better in yourself. So below we have some humorous quotes we hope you will find amusing and put a smile on your face instantly.
It is said that it takes more muscles to smile than frown. That might be true, but the effect of a smile is usually positive and some of the best humorous quotes can make you see the best even in bad situations.
Many people underestimate the power of a smile. Of course there are times when we feel sad or down. But do you smile when you are happy or is it possible that smiling can make you feel happy? The answer is both!
Of course we smile when we are happy. However research carried out shows that people who smile – even if they were not initially happy, do in fact become happier.
Yes it’s easy to smile and laugh when things are going well, but it is just as important to smile when things are wrong or not going so well. Sometimes all we need are a few words to bring about a genuine smile.
Add our humorous quotes page to your favourites bar. If you want to put a smile on your face, read one of the funny quotes and you won’t have to force yourself to smile.
Just consider this: Smiling makes you happy, which in turn makes you feel more confident. Projecting confidence makes others more confident about or in YOU and before you know it you behave in a confident manner to match your beliefs and mood. So have a laugh on us.
Humorous Quotes about Success
Formula for success: rise early, work hard, strike oil.
J.Paul Getty
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.
Matt Groening
Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.
Gertrude Stein
In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.
Demetri Martin
Behind every successful man is a surprised mother-in-law.
Voltaire
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
Fred Allen
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
Robert Frost
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
Bob Hope
Humorous Quotes about Failure
A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.
Dennis Waitley
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
W.C. Fields
Trying is the first step toward failure.
Homer Simpson
I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly.
Peter Cook
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
Will Rogers
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W.C. Fields
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Author Unknown
Humorous Quotes about Attitude
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Isaac Asimov
What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.
Oscar Levant
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!
Tom Lehrer
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
Rodney Dangerfield
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.
Ashleigh Brilliant
We are all here on earth to help others. What on earth the others are here for I don’t know.
W. H. Auden
I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.
Michael Scott, The Office
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Albert Einstein
There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Oscar Levant
Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
Author Unknown
I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.
Author Unknown
You cannot soar with the eagles as long as you hang out with the turkeys.
Joel Osteen
When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you’re rich. If your name is on your desk, you’re middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you’re poor.
Rich Hall
When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?’
Sydney J. Harris
It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?
Ronald Reagan
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
Don Marquis
My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.
Jean Rostand
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
Abraham Lincoln
“Be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give some people.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
Bill Waterson
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Robert Bloch
It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!
Steven Weinberg
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
Author Unknown
Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
Author Unknown
Humorous Quotes about the Future
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
Abraham Lincoln
Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
Charles M Schulz
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Mark Twain
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Dale Carnegie
I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
I would like to die on Mars. Just not on impact.
Elon Musk
Humorous Quotes about Ageing
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Elbert Hubbard
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.
Norm Crosby
You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
Robert Orben
Age is just a number. It’s totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.
Joan Collins
By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.
George Burns
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Humorous Quotes about Children / Growing up
Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.
Sam Levenson
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller
As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.
Jon Stewart
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Jack Nicholson
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
Bill Cosby
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Rodney Dangerfield
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Bryan White
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
Humorous Quotes about Drinking
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
Benjamin Franklin
The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth.
Jim Harrison
An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.
Dylan Thomas
I drink to make other people more interesting.
Ernest Hemingway
Happiness is a dry martini and a good woman… or a bad woman.
George Burns
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Dorothy Parker
I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.
Ron White
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
George Carlin
Humorous Quotes about Education / Learning
If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
Derek Bok
Don’t let schooling interfere with your education.
Mark Twain
Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.
Daniel J. Boorstin
I think everyone should go to college and get a degree and then spend six months as a bartender and six months as a cabdriver. Then they would really be educated.
Al McGuire
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Miles Kington
Humorous Quotes about Marriage / Relationships
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else. Mae West
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Rita Rudner
Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.
Mae West
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
Natalie Wood
I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife)… but still my own.
Si Robertson
A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
H.L. Mencken
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
Albert Einstein
At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
Ann Landers
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Joan Rivers
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
Author Unknown
Humorous Quotes about Religion
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
Billy Sunday
When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.
Jane Wagner
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
Dorothy Parker
General humorous quotes, funny quotes, sayings and one liners
And on the eighth day God said, “Okay, Murphy, you’re in charge!”
Author Unknown
A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, “Who Should we notify in case of an accident?” He mulls it over and then writes, “Anybody in sight!”
Milton Berle
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
Dennis Wholey
The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.
Zach Galifianakis
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
Billy Connolly
The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.
Kin Hubbard
A day without laughter is a day wasted.
Charlie Chaplin
Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born?
Benny Hill
For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen.
Douglas Adams
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
Dave Barry
If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment.
Dave Allen
Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.
Benjamin Franklin
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
A. A. Milne
Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.
Ellen DeGeneres
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Abraham Lincoln
My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.
Caroline Rhea
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
Charles Lamb
A camel is a horse designed by a committee.
Sir Alec Issigonis
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Author Unconfirmed
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Author Unconfirmed
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Author Unconfirmed
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Author Unknown
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
Author Unknown
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Author Unknown
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
Arnold Schwarzenegger
Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.
Ozzy Ozbourne
A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.
Marty Allen
If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it’s another nonconformist who doesn’t conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity.
Bill Vaughan
It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.
Harry Hill
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Al McGuire
He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.
Author Unconfirmed
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
Charles Schulz
My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.
Walter Mathau
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Life’s not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Author Unconfirmed
We hope that you find these humorous quotes amusing, funny and informative. One of the hardest things to do is to confirm who some quotes should be credited to.
If you can confirm the origin of any quotes, have a favourite quote, know any funny quotes, personal development quotes or self improvement quotes that you think we should add, please tell us on the comment form below and we will be happy to include them.
