Some of The Best Quotes by Woody Allen

Woody Allen is an American film director, writer, actor, and comedian.

Although he is best known as a hugely successful and influential film director, Allen started writing jokes when he was 15 and by the time he was in his 20s he was writing scripts for hit American TV shows including The Ed Sullivan Show and The Tonight Show.  He also worked alongside Mel Brooks and wrote for the successful television show Candid Camera.

Allen performed as a stand up comedian throughout the 1960s to supplement his comedy writing.

Here are some of the best quotes by Woody Allen.

Humorous Quotes by Woody Allen on Parents & Education

“I don’t think my family liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.”

“And my parents finally realize I’m kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.”

“I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.”

“Those who can’t do teach. Those who can’t teach, teach gym.”

“His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.”

humorous quotes by Woody Allen

“I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.”

“I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.”

Funny Quotes by Woody Allen on Sex

 “Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.”

“Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.”

“I don’t know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.”

“The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.”

“Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.”

“I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.”

“Don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone you love.”

“Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.”

“Having sex is like bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”

“The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.”

quotes by Woody Allen about sex

“I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said ‘No.”

Humorous Quotes by Woody Allen on Life & Success

“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”

“Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage.”

“If you’re not failing every now and again, it’s a sign you’re not doing anything very innovative.” 

“In California, they don’t throw their garbage away – they make it into TV shows.”

“I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.”

“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”

“The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.”

“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”

“I’m not anti-social. I’m just not social.”

quotes by Woody Allen on life

“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.”

Quotes by Woody Allen on Religion

“Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.”

“If it turns out that there is a God, the worst that you can say about him is that basically he’s an underachiever.”

“If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.”

quotes by Woody Allen on religion

“If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.”

“How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?”

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”

“Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.”

“What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream?”

Quotes by Woody Allen on Death

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work , I want to achieve immortality through not dying.”

“Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering – and it’s all over much too soon.”

“I’m not afraid of death; I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

“Don’t think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.”

“In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm.”

“The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.”

“I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it’s the government.”

We hope that you enjoyed these quotes by Woody Allen. If you have a favourite quote, know any funny quotesinspirational quotes or personal development quotes that you think we should add, please tell us on the comment form below and we will be happy to include them.