Quotes by Groucho Marx

Julius Henry  (better known as “Groucho”) Marx was an American comedian, actor and television star of was  the 1940s.

He found fame as one of the four Marx Brothers and became one of the greatest comedians of his day  Groucho possessed a quick wit and was known for his funny one-liners and subtle put downs.

Some of the quotes may now seem misogynistic, politically incorrect or sexist.  However, Groucho Marx quotes are still regarded as classics that even over half a century later can result in genuine laugh out loud moments.

Here are some of the best quotes by Groucho Marx

Quotes by Groucho Marx About Marriage, Relationships & Women

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

quotes by Groucho Marx about marriage

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don’t let the men know.

As soon as I get through with you, you’ll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!

A man is only as old as the woman he feels.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

quotes by Groucho Marx

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

She got her looks from her father. He’s a plastic surgeon.

Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years, only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine – we both were crazy about girls.

Quotes by Groucho Marx About Age / Growing old / Death

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Die, my dear? Why that’s the last thing I’ll do!

Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?

Bury me next to a straight man.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

Funny Quotes By Groucho Marx About Education / Reading

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

I’ll put off reading Lolita for six more years until she turns 18.

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

One Liners and Put Downs

Groucho Marx quotes about money

Money will not make you happy and happy will not make you money.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

If you’re not having fun, you’re doing something wrong.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

All people are born alike – except Republicans and Democrats.

We hope that you found these quotes funny and that they brought a smile to your face.

If you have a favourite quote, know any funny quotes, personal development quotes or self improvement quotes that you think we should add, please tell us on the comment form below and we will be happy to include them.